Enormities Blemish Movies

Westbrook Pegler

El Paso Herald

March 8, 1961

The best moving pictures ever made were Walt Disney’s fairy tales in color such as “Barnyard Symphony,” “The Country Mouse,” and “Snow White” in which countless drawings were strung together so smoothly that these graduations seemed to be photographs of actual creatures from out of this world. The music was consistent as in “Barnyard Symphony” where horses whickered and fowl expressed themselves in cackles and clucks of superb absurdity, all of it loyal to an operatic theme. 

There came a week, just before Christmas a quarter of a century ago, when someone barely dusted out the New Amsterdam Theater on 42nd street, the scene of the great Ziegfeld Follies, and installed half a dozen spools of this great American art, a form which no other people on earth has ever approached and no other genius but Disney had the gift and patience to create. 

I was then slave to a young friend now six feet two and nudging 30 who wanted to see Santa Claus not only at Macy’s but at Gimbel’s and Wanamaker’s and on all the corners thereabout. I did my duty loyally until 4 o’clock, when lights were coming on and reminded him that he had promised, on his part, to sit through my kind of show.

He trudged along in slush, often lost in a wilderness of hurrying trouser legs and skirts, and up the stairs to second balcony, for the festival had captivated many others who may have had a faint intimation that this might be their last hour of such beauty on this more and more evil earth.

I remember with longing scene in which the country mouse fell into a champagne glass at a great table after the party and drank his way out, emerging so belligerent that he blethered a challenge to his own dancing image reflected in a tremulous mold of jelly.

The masters drew and painted that scene in the drunken vision of a hilarious little giant who squared off to fight through adventures which I will not attempt to relate further lest memory betray me. I want to believe the country mouse licked the resident cat, but the actual ensuings probably were much more poetic. 

Disney was not yet fully appreciated as he came to be, not with “Snow White,” his first great full-length production, but later, with an unworthy incoherence from the floor of his cutting room called “Fantasia.” Disney then got into the hands of the condescending patrons who had seen the Moscow Ballet, and went arty.  

I sat through the whole program at the New Amsterdam with a twinge for Marilyn Miller, who had sung “Silver Lining” on that stage, and was longing indescribably to see it all again when my young friend reminded me that they were expecting us home up the country. 

One year I hurt my spine playing softball for a fund for crippled children and barely escaped fusion operation. Hearing this, Disney sent to my home at Pound Ridge, N. Y., his entire production for the coming year, six or seven of his best films of “feature” length, as I believe they call shows that run about an hour. 

The living room was 14 feet high and my bedroom had a window giving onto this in which Disney’s crew established their machinery to throw the pictures on a big screen rigged across the massive chimney.

We invited, perhaps, 30 people and commandeered folding chairs from an undertaker in New Canaan. 

There were sandwiches and so forth in proportion, but nearer 60 than 30 showed up, including Gene Tunney, who, when all was said and done, clamored for some detail that he had liked most and started the carnival over gain. 

And now, heaven pity us, we have “Exodus” and glandular enormities of impersonal females named, for example, Monroe, and the rat pack’s evil interpretations of the soul of the American GI on foreign service. 

I pity myself as I face the New Frontier, which I wot not, and venture, memories of “The Pled Piper” where the little crippled boy on his crutches barely hobbled over the threshold of the enchanted mountain as the massive doors swung shut and trapped him in realm of endless joy.

Anatomy of One Reel Comedy

Ring Lardner

Winifred Times/September 7, 1928

To the Editor:

In a recent letter I give my readers the story of a friend of mine name Joe Cooper that was not getting along so good in his regular job and finally began to take correspondence courses by mail in other lines like short-story writing and expert acct and cartoonist and etc., and after a wile he got so as he was knocking out close to 50 thousand per annum for his spare time.

Wile theys still another field yet that Joe hasn’t went in it and that is writeing photo plays and great big money is promised for good ones because god knows they are a rare bird and if they is some of my readers that finds trouble making both ends meet the other and could use a couple 100 thousand a year extra earned in their spare time, why here is the field to go into.

You can pick up most any magazine and find a dozen ads of correspondence schools that learns you how to write photo plays or movies as I have nicknamed them, but how are you going to know that the people that run them schools has ever wrote a photo play themselves and for all you know you may be paying your tuitions to a bird that ain’t done anything all their life but pluck pimples off a putting green.

So in order to protect my readers from these kind of vipers I have made it up in my mind to start a school of my own along these lines and my qualifications is that I have wrote 2 photo plays and they both flopped like the sure thing and my system of teaching will do to learn my pupils to write photo plays opposite to like I wrote.

The big money in the screen game today lays in reel comedys.

The things that is necessary in writeing 1 reel comedys is (1) a catchy title (2) a funny idea (3) plenty of laughs (4) witty sub titles. As a sample of what will go and go big, the Ring School of Photo Play Writing gives the following speciment of a 1 reel comedy.

As a title for this picture we have chose “The Finny Tribe” which in itself will knock them for a goal.

Characters:

GEORGE WOTTLE, a fishmonger (comedy lead)

GERTRUDE WOTTLE, his wife, (comedy lead)

MINNIE QUAGMIRE, her rival (soubrette)

AL SWAMP, a private detective (heavy comedy)

BABY WOTTLE, the Wottle baby (Juvenile)

A Minister of the Gospel, Wottle’s clients, etc.

Continuity:

Scene 1—George is in his store sorting fish. A client comes in and looks over the stock. Sub-title: “The customer asks for a flounder.” George picks up a fish and hits the client in the eye with it, knocking him down. Sub-title: “I guess that will flound you.” Another client comes in the store. Sub-title: “The customer asks for finnan haddie, but George tells him he only keeps weak fish.” The client falls down and tears his trousers.

Scene 2—Gertie is at home sitting on the lounge and pulling superfluous hairs out of Baby Wottle’s head. The telephone rings. Gertie goes to answer it. Sub-title: “The wrong number.” Baby Wottle falls off the lounge and lands on his bean. Sub-title: “Oh, what a headache.”

Scene 3—George and Minnie are spooning in the hammock on the Wottle porch. Gertie comes out of the house and catches them. Sub-title: “Caught in the act.” The hammock breaks and the lovers set down suddenly on the floor. Sub-title: “It couldn’t of been a very good hammock.”

Scene 4—George goes to Swamp’s detective agency and hires Al Swamp to take up the case. Al puts on his shoes and starts out with Gertie. Sub-title: “The plot sickens.” As they are leaving Al’s office a swinging door hits them in the eye and knocks them down. Sub-title: “In again, out again, Finnegan.”

Scene 5—George and Minnie are spooning in the fish store. Minnie steps on a eel and falls down. Sub-title: “Minnie says her eel slipped. George tells her she ought to wear rubber ones.” Al and Gertie come in the store and surprise the lovers. George runs to a fish box and sets on a perch. George tries to get down but falls and tears his trousers. Al tries to pick him up but slips on the slippery floor and tears his trousers. Sub-title: “Al thinks theys more to be patched up than the marital affairs of the Wottles.”

Scene 6—They all go to the Wottle home. Minnie loses her interest in George and falls in love with Al. They decide to get married. Sub-title: “Al asks the fair Minnie to become his bride. She says O.K.” Al summons a minister and him and Minnie are married with the Wottles as witnesses. Sub-title: “The knot is tied.”

Scene 7—The party adjourns to the dining room where a fish breakfast is served. Sub-title: “London Bridges is falling down.” In the midst of the hilarity, Baby Wottle chokes on a fish bone and croaks. Sub-title: “Eat jelly fish. No bones.”

There you have got your catchy title, your funny idea, your laughable situations and your humorous sub titles. Further and more the construction is perfect you might say.